NewDay Counseling

Loneliness in Addiction

Addiction is a lonely condition. Once addiction progresses, family members, friends, co-workers, etc., become confused and appalled by the strange and sometimes hurtful  behavior. People with drug problems often do and says things under the influence they’d  never do or say sober. Addiction tends to run people off and they quit trying to help. The addict begins to withdraw and isolate in anger and shame.

If the person doesn’t seek help, this isolation and loneliness gets worse. It can seem like no else understands, like there’s no one to talk to who’ll just listen and not judge. During this pandemic, isolation and loneliness have become even worse for those suffering in addiction. The good news is, if you have a problem, you are not alone. There are many people in your community dealing with the same problem or who have recovered from the same problem.

Seeking help

In just about every community there are support groups dealing with addiction. There are treatment facilities to start the recovery process. It’s all a phone call away. I’ve talked to thousands of people who were lost in the loneliness of addiction who are now free from active addiction and in some stage of recovery. Almost everyone I’ve talked with in long term recovery has said they couldn’t have done it alone. People with addiction attempt to quit or “slow down” over and over, only to start back as it’s gets worse and worse.

The beauty of having support from those who understand addiction is that you’re never alone. There’s always someone who’s willing to listen when temptation rises or life takes an unexpected turn that throws you for a loop. There’s no weakness in using support to overcome a problem. In fact, it’s a true act of courage and strength to reach out and get help. Then, once you’re in recovery, you can help others — this is how recovery grows and addiction shrinks. You are not alone.

Hopefully, as a nation, as a world,  in 2021 we’ll recover from the pandemic and social strife we’ve experienced. It’s also a good time for those with an addiction problem to seek help and start a new life. It might be because of the social isolation and all the anxiety of 2020, but, now that there’s a vaccine, this truly seems like a new year. 

If you have a problem with alcohol, opiates, cocaine, etc., use this season of hope and promise to stop and try something new. Addiction doesn’t just last until a vaccine’s shot in the arm. There are no vaccine shots for addiction. There’s treatment, though. If addiction goes untreated it lasts until death, usually a premature death. But premature, physical death is not the worst thing about addiction, it’s the spiritual death that’s terribly painful day in and day out – there’s emotional numbness, confusion and mental torment. Plus, addiction doesn’t just hurt the individual, it hurts the family members, spouses, partners and friends who watch addiction gradually take the person they love.

Addiction is needless suffering, because there’s help available and recovery’s possible and real. There are millions in recovery right now across the world, living a good life, improving their relationships, excelling in their jobs, starting life anew, working on self improvement, spirituality, in whatever form that takes, and mental awareness – many are helping others to recover. Addiction’s a terrible condition, but there are treatment solutions. All you have to do is reach out for help, and help will be found. Let 2021 be the year of recovery, the year of renewal, the year you leave the old life of addiction behind and start a fresh path. I can guarantee you won’t regret it. You might have times you wish you could drink or use drugs like you once did in the beginning, but if you’re serious and truly in recovery, with support from people who understand what you’re going through, you won’t think about it long, because you’ll know those days of drinking or using without consequences are gone to never return. Have a great 2021, I hope it’s a truly new year.

The holidays can be stressful for people in early recovery from addiction. Partying is a big part of all holidays, and parties often entail alcohol and drugs. This year, with Covid-19, the partying will likely be curtailed significantly, but there are other stressors during this time of social distancing. People in recovery need support, especially during the holidays.

Zoom offers access to support groups, and if you’re in treatment, you might want to schedule more sessions with your counselor. Family can be good support, but sometimes family members don’t fully understand the unique problems associated with addiction recovery. The main thing is to not get involved in stressful situations if they can be avoided. There’s no need to test yourself.

Try to keep a mindset of gratitude, thinking of all the good and positive things in your life. It’s dangerous to focus on all the problems you face, feeling sorry for yourself. If you do get in a funk, talk with someone who understands your situation, and get back in the gratitude state of mind. You have to work at keeping a recovery mindset. Focus on new possibilities, on all the potential offered by sobriety. Think of things that are positive and healthy, and hang around positive people.

Your holiday will be what you make it, but you don’t have to do it alone — allow others to be a part of your experience. Remember why you’re in recovery, be happy — enjoy and stay strong.

Often, when someone comes into treatment it’s because something bad has happened associated with drinking. This also applies to people coming into treatment who are using some other kind of drug like cocaine, meth or opiates, but here we’ll use alcohol for the sake of simplicity. Maybe the person got a DUI, or their spouse asked them to leave, or they unintentionally put their children in danger while under the influence of alcohol. Most people entering treatment just know that something’s wrong, or someone close to them thinks something’s wrong. The person in distress has likely not considered stopping drinking altogether and what all that entails. 

If someone hasn’t decided to really try to stop drinking, they’ll usually go back to drinking once they feel better, or they’re out of the dog house, or they have paid their fines and are clear of legal trouble. Fear can drive a person to seek help, but fear subsides over time, and if there isn’t a deeper motivation, the person will likely start drinking again, telling themselves this time they’ll do it differently, be more careful, more smart about their drinking.

If the person is an alcoholic, once they start drinking again, the progression continues and the consequences grow worse. A person has to sincerely ask themselves if they want to stop drinking, or if they’re just taking a break. If the person’s sincere, and they know they have a problem, and that it’ll continue to get worse if they continue to drink, then there’s hope.

During the current pandemic, many people have been forced to look at things differently. For someone with an addiction problem, it’s particularly important right now to have a clear head and good judgement. I know it’s hard for someone with an alcohol problem to perceive how life can change significantly for the better if they stop drinking — that’s why it helps so much to trust those who know how much better it can be. 

Science is continually learning more and more about the power of the brain and it’s ability to heal and recover and transform. In the middle of addiction it seems like nothing can change, that a powerful negative force has taken control and it’ll never get better. People can change. People with an addiction problem can change — they can gain clarity and good judgement. It takes work, but it can be done. One of the best things someone in treatment can receive is a picture of the future — if they can imagine even a little what life can be like without the alcohol or other drugs, they can gain the motivation to push forward. This vision of a better future, starting with the present, is a great gift — when one receives it, they should never take it for granted.

Do you want to stop drinking? No one has to commit to stop forever, just give it a try one day at a time for a long enough period of time to understand how sobriety allows you opportunities that addiction closes off. In a world where it becomes more and more important to maintain a clear head and good judgement, I strongly recommend giving sobriety a chance.

If we really want to know about addiction, we should study those who recover from addiction. There are around 20 million people in the US who meet the criteria for substance use disorder/addiction. Only 10% of these people seek treatment. That’s an incredibly low number. There’s around a 40% to 50% relapse rate. This relapse rate is consistent with other medical conditions like diabetes, hypertension or asthma. Addiction has been studied for a long, long time, but what hasn’t been studied as much is recovery from addiction.

There are cultural and psychological reasons why more people suffering from substance abuse disorder don’t seek treatment and many times relapse when they do seek treatment. There’s still a lack of knowledge about addiction. Old ideas abound, such as the belief it’s a moral weakness, irresponsibility, lack of will power, etc. You can Google “addiction” and find all kinds of information, some of it contradictory. My advice is to get a book that’s grounded in the disease concept of addiction.

But getting back to recovery, why do some recover while others struggle with relapse? I think much more study and research should go into people who’ve been in recovery for over five years. My observations through the years show me there are basic actions and attitudes common among most people in recovery from addiction. This isn’t science, just my observations since 1982. Most people I’ve known in long term recovery are grateful for their recovery and never take it for granted — they know if they take a drink or snort a line or pop a pill, they’ll be back in the same condition. These people in recovery aren’t under the illusion that one day they can drink or use drugs without consequences.

Just about all the people I know in long term term recovery are ready and willing to help others with the same problem when the opportunity arises. They mostly belong to support groups like AA or NA, because it helps to remind them where they came from, and they want to be there when someone comes into the group looking for help. I’ve witnessed many transformations since 1982, and maybe one day I’ll do the research and write a book on recovery. I believe we can learn a lot about addiction if we study those who recover from addiction.

I’ve worked in the addiction treatment field since 1984. I’ve seen new and improved treatment offerings every two or three years, usually offerings which say they can teach alcoholics how to control their drinking. These alternative treatment don’t work. There are many private therapists who advertise alcohol and other drug counseling. Usually, once a week individual counseling for someone addicted to a drug (and alcohol is a drug) doesn’t work.

I recently saw an ad for telecounseling. The ad promised that the person would not have to spend time in groups away from family and work, that the person can learn how to drink less by talking on the phone to a therapist and taking medication. For people suffering from alcoholism, this is dangerous. It’s my opinion this type of therapy only sets an alcoholic up for failure. If alcoholics could control their drinking, then they wouldn’t need help. The problem is that recovery from alcoholism requires abstinence. I’ve never seen an alcoholic spend time with a therapist and then just start drinking like a normal social drinker.

Alcoholics in the early stage of alcoholism can moderate their drinking for short periods of time, but they inevitably lose control and the cycle begins again. In later stages their ability to even moderate for short periods of time erodes. There are also individuals who situationally abuse alcohol, but aren’t alcoholics, like in college, or after a divorce or a death in the family. Because these individuals aren’t alcoholics, they can deal with their personal problem in a healthy way and moderate their drinking once again — this, though, is a different situation.

Also, and this is a little off subject, if you are looking for local treatment and you find a Google listing that advertises out of town inpatient care in a beautiful facility, be careful. There are a lot of inpatient facilities in nice locations around the nation that will convince you need to go their facility — many of these facilities will over-charge for unnecessary treatment. There are good inpatient facilities, too, out of town, but you’ll do better to let an outpatient addiction treatment facility make that recommendation rather than choose the first ad that looks good on Google.

A person who has a drinking problem, who has tried to moderate drinking but always loses control again, and who is seeking treatment, should be careful when looking for treatment. If the treatment offering sounds too good to be true, it usually is. There are no shortcuts, or easier, softer ways that I know of — the person suffering from alcoholism needs to do research before trying something that’s a set up for failure. It’s dangerous. Alcoholism is a medical condition that requires professional care, especially in the beginning. Even in outpatient addiction treatment, the client sees a doctor before entering treatment and is closely monitored the first week or so. Be careful.

Most people I talk to still perceive addiction as caused by psychological issues, such as being raised in an abusive home environment, depression, stress, trauma, on and on. Addiction can develop even if a person is mentally and emotionally healthy. Psychological problems complicate addiction, and vice versa, but research has found there’s no direct causal relationship from psychological issues to addiction. There are many reasons people start drinking alcohol, snorting cocaine, smoking pot or popping pills, and they’re not always are even mostly to deal with some kind of mental or emotional pain. Some people, about 13%, are susceptible to addiction regardless of their mental or emotional state. It gets even more complicated when we look at people who’re prescribed medication which can cause physical dependence. Physical dependence is not necessarily addiction. Addiction is a chronic brain disease involving complex interactions among brain circuits and genetics, complicated at times by environment and life experiences.

The person who’s susceptible to and develops addiction is compelled to use even after removing the drug, including the drug alcohol, out of their system. A person who’s not susceptible to developing addiction, who went to a doctor and was prescribed opiates for chronic pain and became physically dependent, will not likely need or want the drug once the doctor has resolved the pain problem and has weaned the patient off the opiate medication. Most people don’t want to be dependent on a drug. There’s an X factor with addiction that has to do with brain chemicals that causes irrational craving for the drug and distinguishes it from physical dependence. 

The addict is compelled to use their drug of choice, even when they’ve resolved mental and emotional issues, and in spite of negative consequences. It’s why so many people suffering from addiction who go to a psychologist, but aren’t honest with the psychologist about the true nature of their alcohol and drug use, continue to have problems related to drinking alcohol or other drug use. The person thinks they’ll drink or use their drug of choice normally if they’ve dealt with their psychological issues. It seems logical — if it’s true that depression from, say,  a bad childhood is causing the problem with drugs, then, if the depression and bad memories are addressed and resolved, the person shouldn’t have a problem taking a friendly drink, or socially using a little cocaine, or smoking a joint from time to time. Right? Wrong! The problem for the addict is the drug, and when the drug reaches the brain. The same insane compulsion develops over and over until the person learns how to stay away from the drug and understands that addiction doesn’t go away with counseling and dealing with past mental and emotional problems.

Past mental and emotional problems, if not dealt with, however, can cause a person who’s trying to stay away from all addictive drugs to return to drinking and using, and this is why in treatment we help clients learn to deal with mental and emotional issues, so that they have a better chance to remain abstinent, and to live a healthy and stable life. Mental and emotional pain, if not dealt with, can drive a person recovering from addiction back to the drug. But to think that dealing with mental and emotional issues will allow you to drink and use drugs normally without consequences is confusing cause and effect. What usually happens when someone has developed addiction is that any unaddressed mental or emotional problem they might have had in the course of their life becomes worse in addiction. The addiction makes the problems worse, and the problems make the consequences in addiction worse. But learning which is a cause and which is an effect is very important in addiction treatment and recovery.

I know it’s corny to talk about a new day, a new life or one day at a time, but the reason it sounds so over-used is because it’s a real possibility. Change can happen. We all make mistakes. Some of us get lost in life. We aren’t born with a how-to-live-well manual. Our parents and teachers try their best, but, still, life can become complicated, painful and confusing. If someone develops a problem with alcohol or some other drug, it can become even more complicated.

When we’re lost, and life becomes painful, it’s hard to see outside our pain and confusion. Hopefully, there comes a point for someone lost and in pain at which they ask for help. Asking for help is difficult for men and women. You often hear how men are prideful and don’t easily ask for help, but it’s also hard for many women. It’s hard to be vulnerable, to open yourself up to disappointment. It takes courage to ask for help. It also requires a little research.

It’s true that a person can become disappointed when they ask for help. There’s never a guarantee that you will find someone who can or will help. It pays to search for the right form of help. Just because someone says they want to help, doesn’t mean they know what to do or say. Sometimes, if you just need someone to listen, then a good friend in invaluable, but when it’s complicated, like addiction or mental health, then it takes a different, more specialized kind of help. If you have serious car trouble, you’re not likely to find much help with a carpenter, or even with someone who has tinkered a little on cars from time to time.

Once a person gathers the courage to ask for help, it’s smart to research, to interview various professionals who specialize in the particular problem you’re experiencing. If it’s addiction, then look for professional services that specialize in addiction. Just because someone is a social worker, a licensed counselor or a psychologist doesn’t mean they possess specialized knowledge or skills related to addiction. Professional pride might cause them to think they can handle addiction, but it’s usually based on a relatively few college hours that dealt with addiction. Unfortunately, addiction is not comprehensively taught in psychology oriented college study or medical school, even though doctors, social workers, nurses, counselors and psychologists are faced with people all the time who suffer from addiction. Addiction can look like many things, and it creates many symptoms that look like mental health/emotional or health problems. Addiction is a problem within itself, and it has to be diagnosed and treated as a progressive and fatal brain disease — a fundamental condition — before the mental health/emotional, behavioral or health symptoms will improve.

Treating the fundamental condition of addiction requires specialized treatment that deals with the fundamental problem, not just talking therapy or medicine. Make sure you do your homework before asking for help. A new day that starts a new life one day at a time is possible, but you have to have a smart plan that’s carried out diligently over a long time. It’s not easy, but it’s worth the effort, if you want to live well and create the best opportunities to prosper and pursue happiness.

Recovery from addiction is not easy. Most people suffering from addiction need treatment. Treatment is more than getting the drug out of your body, it’s learning to live without the drug. Whether it’s alcohol, cocaine, opiates, pot, or whatever the choice of drug, recovery requires abstinence and a holistic approach to change. By holistic I mean the brain, emotions, body, relationships, nutrition, exercise, work, creativity, etc.

A person in recovery from addiction has to change how they think about drugs. There are triggers which can set off the compulsion to use. Maybe it’s anger, or maybe it’s being in a place where there’s alcohol, or holidays, or the weekends, or being around old friends who still drink and use, or feeling lonely, or feeling insecure, on and on. In recovery a person must learn their relapse triggers and develop a strategy to deal with these triggers.

If you just remove the drug from your body and don’t do anything else, you’ll probably be blind-sided by relapse triggers, and, when you are, you’ll be defenseless without a recovery plan. In treatment, we help clients develop a recovery plan so they can proactively deal with aspects of life that might create the desire to drink or use again. The key is awareness of what sets you off. It’s easy to forget you have a problem when you start feeling good again. Don’t mistake feeling good for recovery. Recovery is a life long process that’s carried out each day. Just as the diabetic can’t forget they have diabetes, the recovering addict can’t forget using drugs sets off the addiction, even after months or years of abstinence.

The goal in recovery is to create such a better life without alcohol, cocaine, opiates or some other drug you don’t want to go back to that kind of life, but with the understanding you likely will if you take your new life for granted. Once you realize this, it’s not hard to take actions each day to maintain and enhance your recovery, because the rewards inspire you to go forward.

People are often surprised when they find out there’s a charge for addiction treatment. There are facilities which are government subsidized to make it easier for people who can’t pay for treatment, but there’s usually at least a small charge based on income. NewDay is a private facility and we don’t receive any government funds. It’s strange how people think about addiction treatment. A person who goes to the doctor for diabetes treatment expects to pay for the treatment, either through insurance or self-pay, or a combination of both depending on their insurance policy. It’s the same with addiction treatment — we accept most major insurance, and many times the co-pay is minimal, but there’s always a price to pay.

So, back to affording treatment. We get calls from people who don’t have insurance, or the deductible is so high it won’t pay anything toward the price of treatment, and they ask about the price of treatment. The intake person tells them the price, and they often say they can’t afford it. Let’s consider this for a moment. During a normal assessment, a counselor will ask about the amount of alcohol, or cocaine, or opiates, etc., the person is using on a regular basis. Then the assessment reveals consequences of addiction, such as relationships, job, legal, health, etc. In most cases, the cost of addiction, personally and to loved ones, is high. Financial consequences caused by addiction are often a major reason people seek treatment. Yet, most people who come to us for outpatient treatment haven’t lost it all. They still have a job; however, they’re on the road to losing it all if they don’t get treatment and recover — this is what needs to be considered by someone seeking treatment but has to pay for it.

If the person is serious, it’s the greatest investment they’ll ever make. At NewDay, if someone is self-pay, we don’t ask for the full amount upfront, we get a down payment and figure out a payment plan that works in their budget. A person paying monthly payments on a decent stereo system would probably be paying more than our payments which can possibly add decades of quality living to their life. Without spending money on alcohol or other drugs, and without the financial consequences of addiction, and because in recovery a person is more productive and able to fulfill their potential, most people coming to us for treatment can easily afford treatment. The fact is, though, they can’t afford to keep spiraling down in addiction. The costs of addiction become much more serious as time goes by. Recovery is an investment with almost limitless returns, depending on what the person puts into it.